I don’t quite get the mathematic of activities in my office. There are days that it is bursting with activities – the phone ringing endlessly, fax paper a mile long rolling off from the machine, and the printers working overtime – you would think you are in pasar borong as opposed to law firm. There are days like today when it is so quiet that you can hear a pin drop from a distance. And it is on days like today – so quiet – that I am overwhelmed with the feeling of loneliness.
As the mountain of files on my table eases out to flat ground-zero and work done, I inevitably turn to my favourite past time – blog-hopping. My partner, F, gives me a disparaging look and sighs in exasperation. He still cannot fathom my obsession with blogs. And a blog which I visit often is that of Hjh Esah’s Tale of Psychological Damage. I am attracted to her blog because she writes with utter honesty – how she feels exactly at the moment. I often find myself in awe with her unpretentious writing. Earlier on, Hjh Esah writes, “you are lonely because you are too focused on your loneliness.” I was dumb struck. Do I feel lonely right now because I am too focused on the loneliness?
I long for those days when I was with Raja Eleena’s law firm. I was so busy I could hardly answer personal phone calls. And so lunch time was a break that I looked forward to after a friendly banter with colleagues as where to go and who to invite. Nowadays, I occasionally have boring lunch with clients. Sometimes I don’t even bother with lunch at all. How pathetic can that be!
A friend, P, has this theory on loneliness, I quote, “Loneliness, lonesome and solitude is a state of mind. Dwell in it if you dare, the abyss of depression would come uninvited. Depression another humongous reserve of unexplained behaviours known to man would slowly rear its ugly head if we stay there too long.”
Theoretically, loneliness is a state of mind. Just like smoking cigarettes, you will to quit depends on your state of mind. Can you, therefore, dictate your state of mind then? I think not. State of mind is a complex equation bestows upon us by god. I am not making sense? I know, I know…I sound like an insane person. Personally, I will let not this loneliness lead to depression. I will make peace with it. The same way I make peace with things I can’t change.
Have a good day folks.