Sleepless in Setiawangsa 11

Raindrop drums on the balcony’s awning, yielding a comforting sound as rain normally does to my ear. The whole of Bukit Setiawangsa is blanketed with darkness as the night inches away.The love of my life – Luqman – is deep in sleep paving way for me to dance my pencil across this battered moleskin.

Tonight, let’s talk about relationship; relationship which spans most part of our lives. I am no expert in this issue but talk about it I must since your input will give me a better perspective. Theories abound but, more often than not, you will learn through experience.

Yesterday, I spoke to my oldest friend who has been married for a decade. She endures numerous ordeals to get to where she is right now. Still, she knows no better – as she herself claimed to be. When two different persons roof together for years, differences bound to wrest them in the neck. The differences that you so skillfully conceal during your courting time. Ah, did I see you nodding to this statement?

We are all made up of different stuff – background, education, principles – in our lives. Often, we make mistake to make our partner think just like the way we do. Communication isn’t as simple a medium as we thought it can be especially when we are from Venus and they are from Mars.

I note that most Malaysian man and woman (take note that I restrain myself from using the word Malay, Chinese or Indian in the spirit of Malaysian Malaysia) wish to emulate their partners to his or her liking. Admittedly, we all have that perfect picture of our loved ones that we canvassed in our heads. We sadly overlook the fact that the our partner is an individual. As an individual, what sets them apart from the rest is their idiosyncrasies.

Over the years these idiosyncrasies turn annoying. We want them to be just like that person we painted in our head so long ago as our significant other.

My sincerest advice would be, let it go. For that person is someone else – not you. There is no such thing as perfection in a real relationship. If you think you are having such a perfect relationship, it is probably time for a reality-check. The desire to emulate our partner to be someone we dream them to be could lead to a catastrophe not fit for mention here.

We can’t change that person and I figure if thing they do does not hurt anyone but your ego, just let it go; for the price of changing someone is so high, you’ll get dizzy with its altitude.

In your attempt to change someone, fights will bound to happen, anger will ultimately boils down to shouting match. But you must remember, words once spoken, they are no longer yours. They belong to that person you addressed those words to. Chances are that person will remember especially when you are careless with your language.

Just like any other woman next to me, I tend to regret things I said in fists of anger. Most of the time, I can’t take it back so I will dwell in regret and try my best to make up for it. Best that I keep mum when wind of anger sweeps me.

Me? I don’t want to change anything about anyone save for my first love – Barisan Nasional. I understand this through a hard lesson; a lesson I can’t afford to pay for again. But there are things I did that I am not proud of. There is certain unfathomable addiction of my life that I wish to get rid of, not for anyone, but for myself – for Luqman mostly.

I end this post with a question you have to sincerely answer, ‘have we become so jaded with selfishness that we choose form over substance?’

Goodnight Sleepless in Setiawangsa.


14 thoughts on “Sleepless in Setiawangsa 11

  1. Sis Elviza,

    I am so proud of your profound wisdom on relationship, esp marriage.

    A couple made up of two of different personalities. They are a couple, a unit; but each half is a unique individual. Mistake most couples made is the other must fit in their fantasy.

    Two becomes one. But there must be space for each to be his/her own person. There should be a time for everything. A time to be one and a time to be on one’s own.

    So it’s futile to try to change the other. Acceptance is the operative word in a sucessful union. Just flow as the river flows.

  2. Elviza,
    It is a very rare thing to happen if you try to change someone from what the person is really are. There are times when a dear one morph into something that you just cant bear to be with anymore.
    I used to love Barisan since I am a member of one of its components but after 50 years, there is nothing in it that I can consider of substance, though the form is still there.

  3. Sis Elviza,

    You can be very thought-provoking. Perfect relationship exists only in Utopia. This makes me reflect on yin and yang which loom large on the Chinese psyche.

    There is an ongoing tussle to find its own equilibrium. The conflict is not a zero sum game. in which there are no losers but only winners.

    A relationship cannot exist on a win-lose or lose-lose basis. Win-win is the only option whether in family, social or business relationships for the long term.

    Two parties may disagree and both can be justifiably right. Sometimes, one can be wrong for being too right.

    At the heart of it, love humbles.

    A couple may live together like husband and wife. Later when kids come along, a marriage not properly solemnised, the family will be dysfunctional, no matter how loving the couple can be. This is the universality of humanity no matter what the cultures.

    Family unit is the building blocks of the nation. Strong family values make a nation strong and vibrant. Likewise broken homes break the community with its attendant social ills.

  4. Elviza, when i was young, i dreamt of someone who wears the perfect pair of shoes for the right occasion, smart suits. Mine once wore different shoes on both feet and as for shirts, he doesnt care as long as comfortable. But it was his writing that did it for me.

  5. Kak Teh is really humourous abt AG. I’ m smiling til my eyes … different shoes on both feet. And the tipping point was AG’s literary skill. AG really dazzled.

  6. Sis, when we first got married and i moved here, we argued and exchanged words rather a lot. mostly because i was homesick and had no friends/work. I didn realise being away wud made me such a diff person. But then i learned tht silence is almost always golden and learned to be patient. Change has to start fr within and compromising is definitely a win-win situation for both parties.

    Most of the times when we’r angry, we wud say things tht we dont mean but said it anyway to spite tht person. Thts like mencurah minyak to api, right?

  7. oohh.. tumpang lalu ye Elviza, but Kak Teh’s comment is funny. I too used to have fascination with shoes and belts when i looked at men. i wouldn have dated men who wears dif color shoes and belt. i was bad! tsk tsk.

  8. Elviza
    Elviza, allow me to chit chat with Kak Teh?
    No wonder you have Lady Di dress sense, Kak Teh.
    In my case it is this magical phrase that did it for me
    “Walaupun dirimu jauh tersisih, hati terpaut padamu masih.”

    Kak Teh, I imagine the aerogrammes from London to Penang are always brimmed to the full …


  9. Sis Elviza,

    Farina and AmiR also took up Kak Teh’s quib. She’s naturally adorable. She’s one long lost cousin I never had.

    Well, allow me to clarify that win-win relationship is not keeping score. It requires a lot of hard work and commitment on both sides. If one side is not keeping up with the bargain, then it’s win-lose.

  10. hi everyone, now that i have told the story, I feel a bit guilty! But i think if you were to ask him, he’d tell it to you as well. What a funny incident that was- one side with lace and the other , is it what you call slip ons?
    Anyway, Hi & Lo, that’s the sweetest things I’ve heard anyone say to me. Thanks.

  11. Hi Elv,
    I’ve read somewhere, that says “love extravagantly”… I just love that phrase.
    Doesnt mean that you have to lavish your loved ones “extravagazantly” with megabucks things, but to love and accept our partners as they are.

    I cant stand the habit of DH throwing ( yes… throw..) his dirty laundry or sometimes even “putting them nicely” on the floor… it really makes me insane, but after a while i realised that I cant change a person. I could be a better person by shutting up my mouth and pick up those clothes…. eewwww.. ; )

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