Why I write

I first write to mend a broken heart. I was young (read: ‘stupid’), and was careless too. And then when my heart has healed, the same pursuit took a life of its own and soon turned into an obsession that I could not really fathom, let alone to control. 

I write in the dark, to make the bleakness around me seem bearable. But in the end, I fool no one… no one but myself.

I write to erect a façade to shield from and block this often mean and nasty world we live in.

I write to resurrect the dying art of the yore. Trust me, the advent and pervasiveness of the Internet will eventually stone the craft of writing to its death.

I write because I am sick of reading someone else’s pieces. Some of it flawless, and some mediocre. But regardless, they remain someone else’s.

I write to unravel the secrets around me, but at times I untangle and wrap back those I can’t tell.

I write to unleash the monster within me – the ogre who is always loud with its roars to create doubts and worry.  It is always threatening me, judging me, and jeering me –  That monster never tires of wanting to discourage.

I write to hush up the sounds of the universe, the complexity of languages. But when anger simmers, I write to shut that person up.

I write because it soothes my insecurities, my self-imposed rules. But if I am being honest, I write because I’m scared.

I write to chase away this compulsion that constantly rages through the course of my flesh. Its vein bulges with intensity – if left unattended, I will bleed to greet my untimely death.

“I never write for money because if you do, you are one pompous ass.” The truth, you asked? I never write for money… because I am not nearly good enough.

I write to avenge all those people who have wronged me. I have soon discovered, it is myself that I have to first forgive.

I write to let go of the ghost of my Christmas past… but he’s a ghost for God’s sake! Who am I kidding?

I write to snip off that stupid–but-stubborn clichés that appear between my sentences. Oh, how I hate them! But cliché is, more often than not, one of life’s manuals. I never like manuals, but I know I need them.

I write to compose a musical sheet in my heart, lullabies in my head, so that I’d be calmed. Because writing,  just like music,  is food to one’s soul.

When I let my ego cloud my judgment, I write to show off. And I despise myself for that. Again, I have to forgive this sinful heart.

I write to punctuate a preamble in my hectic life; I write to question those decisions I have made without cogent reasons.

Sometimes (when it suits me), I write to bitch-slap those ignorant, selfish, education-less politicians. I must admit I’ve had fun doing it.

I write to blow the wind of hatred to racist bigots. I hope they’d be sentenced to rot in the pit of the coldest hell.

But when the nights are endless and clouds descend low in the sky, I write to search for the shooting star I secretly wish for. It hasn’t come yet… and perhaps it never will.

I write to cherish those I love; to scorn those I hate.

I write to recite a personal poem that is offensive to people around me.

I write to mourn the death of my father since a decade ago.

I write to wipe tears of infidelity on my friend’s cheek, when nothing I say or do could bring back the man she loves.

I write to lessen the burden of guilt on my frail, tired shoulders. Sometimes it works, most of the times, it doesn’t.

Lastly, I write to prologue my old unfinished holograph. When it is finally printed, I pray you would like it.

23 thoughts on “Why I write

  1. I love your writings because u write from the heart.

    Keikhlasan adalah perkara yang paling sukar dan mahal.

    Dan, jika tulisan itu makanan jiwa maka aku semakin mengidam tulisan kau .

    Kapis,

    Thank you. But if writing is food to one’s soul, apsal aku tak gemuk-gemuk lagi? Dah banyak aku makan babe…😉

  2. A delightful read Elviza.🙂

    Old MRSM friend, Finaz,

    Thank you. Thank you. Will be happy to give you more delightful read when time permits.

  3. Salam,

    Michelle. It’s me aidie. ex Kt. If you still remember.Got you on FB. Before this never been bother to read what you have written. But today, oh Gosh! I am so impressed with your piece of writing. I doubt that I can write as what you have here in your blog (Feeling so small) Wow! keep on writing, dear. You have the talent. Yeap, totally agree with most of the comments given earlier. Have you written any books? Hope I will not miss any. Good ones for sure, if Michelle is writing. Do keep in touch and keep on writing…

    TC ,girl.

    Salam Aidie,

    Of course I remember you, its pretty hard to forget your cheerful face with that smile you always wear. I am humbled that you like this. I haven’t finished my 1st manuscript – actually, am nowhere near the finishing line. But I am trying. Thank you for the support.

  4. If writing keep u sane EMK, so be it! & I think ur writing is brilliant.

    Cik Za,

    If you can keep a secret, I never really was a sane person. LOL

  5. keep writing! i know u enjoy it. who knows.. big bucks will follow soon hehe its like a bonus

    Che Ta,

    Amin, amin…🙂 Thank you.

  6. you missed out about the sheer pleasure of it, writing..and the itch that started from somewhere inside that burst out as words..cheers..

    Salam Pakmat,

    Am not sure about anyone else, but writing to me is painful. I first toss and turn, walk around, drink, talk on the phone, do everything else before putting the pencil on the Moleskine. Masochist sunggoh lah…

  7. And it is a pleasure to read your writings. Thank you, Kak. I will always be a fan. He he..

    Little Sister,

    I don’t deserve a fan, please lah. Hahahahaha. Glad you enjoy this one. I went through excruciating pains trying to finish it.

  8. I read you… as you slapped the faces of demigod,pharoah and Neros who were beyond reach of my acid tongue.

    I read you…as you nicely placed all the jumble words in my mind into a comprehensible sentences expressing my elderly angst( is there such a thing) with this world of mine.

    I read you as you colored the world with pastel hues by mere words that would be the envy of renaissance artists.

    I read you as the written word of yours brought the breeze of salted air and sound of Kuantan waves to my senses…..

    I read you to immerse myself into the mind and soul of young successful educated malay bracing herself from the challenging world ,coming out of it unscathed.

    I read you to admire the resilience of human in emotional rollercoaster ride and presevere.

    But most of all …..through you I rediscover senses of my soul…Thanks

    Dear Awang Ngah,

    I have been blogging for more than 3 years. This comment, by far, supersedes my lines of favorite comments before. I got goose bump reading it. Thank you, Sir.

  9. Elviza, Elviza, Elviza, Elviza……

    You did it again. If u ask me, the posting is a bit showing off but it’s damn honest, I keep reading it. You write well, no doubt, but it’s the writing from the heart’s part that is so obvious. I paste this on my facebook page. I hope you don’t mind.

    Well done counsel!

    Hashim,

    You are, as usual, too generous with compliments. Don’t think I deserve it but I am happy you think so.

  10. Mish,

    You got me at the 1st sentence: “I first write to mend a broken heart”

    Damn you woman! Aku tgh kerja ni tahu?

    Tak yah lah kerja… jom lepaksss

  11. sometime there’s a wonderland lie between the sanity and insanity..but then just don’t forget your ways back into reality or else you will be stuck forever and ever and ever and never come homeee… and that would be really bad, dun ya think so?

  12. Oh Kak… It is just sooo beautiful. Almost scary. Darn! I wished I am the one writing this one. But again, that is probably why I always ended up reading yours.

  13. ” `I never write for money because if you do, you are one pompous ass.’ The truth, you asked? I never write for money… because I am not nearly good enough.”

    Phew! Fortunately, there’s the proceeding sentence. You had hurt my feelings because that’s what most of what I write is for, directly and indirectly.

    And if the sentence weren’t there, I’d explain that I would have loved to write for the sake of it – unfortunately, the janda with the nasi kerabu at the Pasir Mas Pasar Malam on Wednesdays insists that I must leave a couple of rectangular, blue-tinted papers that have the odd picture of a wau bulan with a mountain that should – but doesn’t – look like Gunung Reng in the background. It looks like… Hey, that’s not `east coast’ but `east…’! Or does the sophisticated and culturally refined artist/Bank Negara want to explain to us hillbillies this is what `surrealist art’ is?

    But anyway, to the more important matter of the janda – I think I get a lot of pahala every week, because I only buy at the stalls of jandas. Yes, I know; I’m such a nice person… not just parting with RM2 but also sacrificing a lot of time to talk with them. It’s just a coincidence that they happen to be relatively young and incidentally pretty. I hold true to the hadith of “Berbuat baik dengan anak yatim dan janda…” or something to that effect.

  14. Good piece Elvira. I still don’t remember you being in Krai perhaps i had left Krai by the time you went to SYP primary. But i am the elder brother of Faisal Ismail and Effendy Ismail if you could recall any one of them. i would love to hear your piece on SYP primary if you have any recollections of the teachers’ antiques and the joy of school’s sports day in those days.

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